MERRY CHRISTMAS, BIG HUNGRY BEAR

Inspired by a Children’s Book of the same title.

NARRATOR: Way down in the forest, on Mount Tuskegee / In a cabin where yuppies go stay when they ski/ There lived two small children, a girl and a boy/ Named Hunter and Muffy, decidedly goy. Their parents, the Worthingtons, this afternoon/ Were out getting ski tans. They looked like raccoons/ But ere they had parted, they told them “Beware / And do not go poking the Big Hungry Bear”/ This left the young Worthingtons quite on their own/ Within a few moments, their boredom had grown.

HUNTER: I’m tired of board games.

NARRATOR: Cried Hunter, their son/

HUNTER: I’m tired of puzzles that never get done/

NARRATOR: Said Muffy,

MUFFY: I hate this, the tube’s on the fritz/ Tomorrow is Christmas, at least we’ll get gifts/

NARRATOR: Cried Hunter

HUNTER: Oh, crap, Muff! I haven’t been nice!/ I’m on Santa’s bad list, he’s checking it twice!

MUFFY: That’s silly.

NARRATOR: She snorted

MUFFY: Can Santa get mad? / Now what have you done that could be oh-so-bad?

HUNTER: I burned down the chem lab, the church and the school/ I kicked all those puppies and peed in our pool/ And then I—

MUFFY: (cutting in) I get it!

NARRATOR: Snapped Muffy, so droll/

MUFFY: The way that you’re heading, you’ll surely get coal! / We need to be plotting and find a good plan/ and pull a good grift on the big fat red man/We need to do something so grand and so kind/ that your naughty status will be reassigned/

HUNTER: But what can we do that would make me look great?

NARRATOR: Just then, two small chipmunks, crawled out of the grate

(ENTER CHIPMUNKS 1&2)

NARRATOR: His bright button eyes spied their tree, big and tall/ With ornaments, tinsel, and shiny glass balls./

CHIP. 1: Oh My!

NARRATOR: Said the Chipmunk

CHIP1: Oh, gee golly gosh! / This cabin is lovely. Décor is quite posh.

CHIP 2: But what is this big pine tree doing inside? / With all of those baubles that glisten and shine?/

HUNTER: It’s called a Christmas tree, small Chipmunk friend!/ Wait, why are you talking? This must be pretend/

CHIP 2: What’s Christmas?

NARRATOR: One asked, his cheeks, big and round./

CHIP 1: In our forest world it is not to be found. /

MUFFY: That’s it!

NARRATOR: Shouted Muffy

MUFFY: Our ultimate good!/ We spread Christmas cheer to our friends in the wood!/ Come, Hunter

NARRATOR: Said Muffy

MUFFY: And grab crappy gifts/ We’ll soon get you back onto Santa’s nice list!/

NARRATOR: With tchotchkes in tow, they burst out the door / Leaving the chipmunks alone on the floor/

CHIP 1: Oh, bother

NARRATOR: One mentioned

CHIP 1: I feel a bit leery/

CHIP 2: Did you notice that they never answered our query?/ (They EXIT)

(MUFFY and HUNTER skip around stage handing out plastic goods to imaginary forest creatures.)

NARRATOR: But the kids were long gone, and they went through the woods/ Giving to furry things cheap plastic goods/ Soon they’d been skipping for quite a long way./

(HUNTER begins to grow weary)

MUFFY: Surely we’ve done enough good for the day/ My feet are so achy, my shoulders and spine!/

HUNTER: But look!

NARRATOR: They’d discovered a hand-lettered sign./ It was nailed to a tree by the mouth of a cave./ Muffy read it aloud, and felt much less brave./

MUFFY: “This is the cave of the BIG HUNGRY BEAR./ DO NOT DISTURB HIM”

NARRATOR: The sign read

MUFFY: “BEWARE!”/

HUNTER: Well, why are we waiting? Let’s spread Christmas Peace!/ A bear must be worth 20 presents at least!/

NARRATOR: But something within Muffy’s heart twitched in fear/

MUFFY: I just don’t know, Hunter. Let’s get out of here!

HUNTER: Well, gee, wimp out Muffy, I really don’t mind/ But I bet to me Santa will be more kind. (Does a “kiss my ass gesture”)

NARRATOR: With a flick of his hand, Hunter entered the cave/ And then followed Muffy, though not quite so brave. (She follows him “into the cave, where BIG HUNGRY BEAR waits, asleep)

HUNTER: Hello? Mr. Bear? So hungry and big?/

MUFFY: We’ve brought you some presents, some candy and figs/

NARRATOR: They snuck through the cavern with nary a peep/ then came upon Big Hungry Bear fast asleep.

HUNTER: Hello? Mr. Bear?

NARRATOR: And he gave him a poke./(HUNTER pokes BEAR.. NARRATOR continues to audience)I wish I were kidding, but this is no joke. (HUNTER pokes BEAR again. Bear stirs.)

HUNTER: Wake up, Mr. Bear!

NARRATOR: And with a sharp jab/ (HUNTER jabs at BEAR, who awakens) The BIG HUNGRY BEAR sprung to life like a crab.

BEAR: GRRRROWWWLLLLL!!! (BEAR only makes growling noises, but other characters treat it as though he is speaking in rhymed verse)

NARRATOR: He said with a sneer.

MUFFY: We come bearing Christmas, it comes once a year/ Look, we have presents and parcels for you/

BEAR: GROWWWLLL GROWWWL

HUNTER: Yes and that too!

BEAR: GROWWWLL GROWWLLL SNARRRLLLL!!!!

MUFFY: Oh, no, to spread Joy!/

HUNTER: We wouldn’t be in it all just for the toys!

NARRATOR: The Worthington kids should have known to beware/ and never have lied to the Big Hungry Bear/ He moved in quite close

MUFFY: OH, how your teeth glint/

NARRATOR: Of course his name should have been more of a hint./

BEAR: Heh, heh, heh, GRAAOOWWWLLLL!!!!

MUFFY & HUNTER: (scream!! and run offstage, BEAR follows)

NARRATOR: His jaws moved like lightning

(MUFFY & HUNTER scream again, but are cut off midscream as if eaten)

he swallowed with speed/

BEAR: Gulp!

NARRATOR: Oh, Bear had a quite Merry Christmas indeed/ And so all you children, from this you should learn/ That to yuppie children comes bad things in turn/ And if you should hear of the Big Hungry Bear/ Just use common sense, and don’t go to his lair./

Duh, people. This isnt’ rocket science.

END