Covert Operations

SPY 1: The Swallows have left the Yard.

BYSTANDER: What?

SPY 1: The Swallows Have Left the YARD.

BYSTANDER: Oh. That’s nice. (Returns to newspaper. There is a bit of a pause)

SPY 1: No, I don’t think you get it. You see, The SWALLOWS have left the YARD. Swallows? Come on, man! The CODE!!! That’s the secret password! I say “The Swallows have left the yard” and you say, “The frost is close behind!”

BYSTANDER: Really?

SPY 1: Yeah! Now let’s try it again “The Swallows have left the yard.”

BYSTANDER: The Frost stands behind.

SPY 1: No, no no. The Frost is CLOSE behind. That’s key! That’s how we distinguish the hush-secret code from ordinary speech, it’s all in the details. Man, what kind of spy are you?

BYSTANDER: Uh, I’m not a spy.

SPY 1: What?

BYSTANDER: I’m not a spy.

SPY 1: You’ve got to be shitting me!

BYSTANDER: No, I’m not a spy. I just wanted to read my newspaper in the park.

SPY 1: Wearing a fedora and a trenchcoat? I think not. You’re clearly a spy.

BYSTANDER: No. I like this coat. It’s warm. And this hat is rather stylish. I mean, you’re wearing one, too.

SPY 1: That’s because I’m a spy! (sighs heavily) You just don’t get it. Look, if any REAL spies come along, I’ll be over on that park bench over there. (Crosses and sits on the lip away from BYSTANDERS)

BYSTANDER: That was weird. (returns to Newspaper)

(SPY 2 enters from other side of the stage even more paranoid that the first spy did, perhaps hiding behind imaginary bushes. Eventually makes it over to BYSTANDER. He sits down, and then waits for Bystander to say secret code. Bystander shoots him a look, then returns to his newspaper. SPY 2 whistles innocently. No response from bystander, except maybe a roll of the eyes.)

SPY 2: So… how ‘bout them small birds? I hear they may be migrating soon. You know, it’s getting a little chilly. Perhaps small wild birds are leaving here for warmer climes. I hear Capistrano’s nice this time of year. You know, for birds. Who aren’t here anymore.

BYSTANDER: What, you mean “The Swallows have left the Yard?”

SPY 2 (LOUDLY): THE FROST IS CLOSE BEHIND! (quietly) Sorry, sorry. Just got a little excited there. Now, where’s the secret formula?

BYSTANDER: I don’t have the secret formula. I’m not a spy.

SPY 2: What?

BYSTANDER: But that guy over there in the trenchcoat and fedora definitely is. In fact, I bet it’s your spy.

SPY 2: Oh! Thanks! (Spy 2 moves furitively over to Spy 1, they have a hushed and excited conversation)

BYSTANDER: Jesus. (Returns to newspaper. SPY 1 and SPY 2 have come to a sudden realization, and come over to the BYSTANDER, who looks back up from his paper)

BYSTANDER: Yes?

SPY 1: We been talking.

BYSTANDER: Yeah.

SPY 2: You know too much.

BYSTANDER: I don’t know anything! I just like wearing a trenchcoat!

SPY 1: Yeah? Well, you know our secret code.

SPY 2: And that I’m looking for a secret formula!

SPY1 (to SPY2): What? You told him about the formula!!

SPY 2: I’m sorry! I thought he was with us!

SPY 1: Then I guess I have no other choice. (Both SPIES whip out their spy guns, SPY 1 aims a cufflink, SPY 2 aims a shoe) We’re going to have to kill you with our spy guns!

BYSTANDER: HOLY FUCK! DON”T KILL ME!! (Cowers)

SPY 1: Uh oh.

SPY 2: What?

SPY 1: That’s the code! That’s how we know we’ve found the big boss! If someone says that when we pull our spy guns, we can’t kill ‘em!

BYSTANDER: Really? “Holy fuck, don’t kill me”? That’s the stupidest code I’ve ever heard.

SPY 2: Shut the fuck up! It’s awesome!!

SPY 1: Yeah! The real boss wouldn’t mock our awesome codes! (They shoot with their spy guns, making pinging silencer noises, BYSTANDER is dead.)

SPY 2: Whoa. I’ve never actually killed someone before.

SPY 1: I have! Take his wallet!

(SPY 2 pulls out the wallet and leafs through it)

SPY 2: Dude!

SPY 1: What? He is the BIG BOSS? Oh shit, we’re doomed!

SPY 2: No! He had fifty bucks in here!

SPY 1: Awesome! Being a spy rules!

(They high five and skip off)

END